A Demon In My View

"Alone" - Edgar Allan Poe - 1830

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then–in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life–was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.


I was rekindled with this poem from the book, Demon In My View by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes, when I was a sophomore in high school. I think it may have been the first thing to bring me into the dark side of art and self-conscienceness. The heroine, a young woman of 17, lives day to day in her school with the vainglorious "popular kids" (which everyone loves be and hate) as a social outcast. She ghost-writes a successful book about the world of vampires and later finds out that everything she had written was real. She further discovers that she has a psychic and blood connection to the vampires from her dreams.

In the beginning of her senior year, the following season after her debut novel, a new student transfers into her school. A man of mystery who is dark and subtle but attracts more attention that one should have, begins his devious plans to get in touch with the young author. The man, with his pale skin and dark eyes that seem to reflect the very image of your soul, gradually makes his way into the heroine's life, but doesn't reveal his secret: that he is a vampire.

Bah--I don't know why I started talking about that book, my first intention was to write about the poem that Atwater-Rhodes quoted from Poe. Anyways, if you're interested in the plot of Demon In My View, here's a full review from RandomHouse.com

Anywho, moving on. I have been an Edgar Allan Poe fan ever since I was in 6th grade. I remember reading his poems/stories and being mesmorized by the darkness of his tales. Sure, I was too young to even begin to comprehend the truth behind his work, but now that I'm older and "wiser", I can appreciate it for what it is: a darker perspective of life, with the liberating beauty of the art of language. His thoughts are so deep and his interpretations so true that it almost makes me want to be emo again and just talk about my feelings 24/7.

I'm too lazy to have friends(I'm too lazy period.)

I was walking home from 7-11 when a caucasian guy in his early twenties pulled over and asked me for directions. I honestly didn't know where he wanted to go, so I just made up fake directions and told him to make a bunch of right and left turns just to get things moving. After a few minutes of me lying and pretending I knew what I was talking about, I said "goodbye" and started walking away. I got about 30 feet away from him, until he ran up to me and said,

"Hey, I'm actually here from L.A. to visit friends and I was wondering if you would like to hang out this weekend."

Poor guy. He was even panting from running that excruciating 30 feet. It was a little awkward. I was carrying a heavy paper bag of groceries while standing in front of this sweaty man, trying to come up with a firm but polite excuse to get out of the situation. But nothing too "firm" and bitchy that he'll get mad, stalk me, and chop up my body in a thousand little pieces or something.

"Umm... uhhh... well...." I said, while looking at the heavens for help.

"Oh.. well, you're probably busy" he replied, getting the hint.

"Yeah, I kind of am.. I guess." I sighed with relief.

As I walked away, I thought about what I was going to do today: clean the house, eat cookie dough, and play games online. Otherwise a very productive day. I mean, I don't think I ever could have made time to hang out with that stranger. I'm just too "busy" to make time to meet new friends.

Then, earlier today, my brother's friend called my house and asked for me. And not for my brother. Which I thought was odd, because the only socializing we do is the occasional "Hi" and "Bye" when he would come to visit my brother.

He asked me if I wanted to go to the mall with him--which I again, I thought was odd. So I sat on my couch, cookie dough in one hand and the wireless phone in the other, telling him, "Thanks, but no thanks. I'm going somewhere later today and I have to get ready to leave in like 20 minutes."

After I hung up, I watched another three hours of Sex in the City in my pink and blue piggy pajamas. Afterwards, I took a two hour nap and read my book for about an hour and a half.

I am going to die as a sad, lonely, old hag.

Anyways, good news! After working 12 or so hours at Gottchalks (basically all of it was just training for the job), I quit! The training days were last week on the 12th, with the cashier training the day after. After training, I was supposed to start work the following day, but since my mother accidentally threw away my work permit, I wasn't allowed to work. But, being the stubborn person that I was, I showed up for work hoping they'd forget about my work permit situation. Alas, the ugly old woman who hired me caught me after 30 minutes of me stumbling around the register and forgetting to take out the censors in everyone's clothes because the bitches I was working with weren't helping me at all--which really, really pissed me off. Pam (the manager) asked me if I had my permit, and when I told her I didn't, she told me to go home.

After I walked away like some bitchy diva, I said to myself, "Fuck these guys, I'm quitting."

And I did. The funny part is, I got $90 for getting trained for that position, and I only 'officially' worked for the company for a full thirty minutes. In which I messed up about sixty times.

My next job "adventure" is at Coldstone Creamery, starting with tommorow's audition. I don't know why they call their interviews auditions, but I guess since you're required to sing, that they'll make you sing some random song instead of getting asked lame questions like, "So, what are your strengths and weaknesses?" or something. Sounds like fun.

Song of the moment: How High the Moon by Ella Fitzgerald

You Are a Snarky Blogger!

You've got a razor sharp wit that bloggers are secretly scared of. And that's why they read your posts as often as they can!

What kind of blogger are you?

Gah.. Me? Sing?

The song playing right now was stuck in my head all day, so I decided to record myself singing it? haha

Click here to hear it. =X

"Creative Writing"

We had a journal assignment a couple of days ago in English which required us to write a poem that showed two sides of ourselves. To my suprise, my head went blank and I couldn't seem choose just two sides of myself. I hesitated for a while and wasted five minutes of our writing time trying to figure out what to write about. I felt rushed and naked in the classroom. Part of me wanted to write about all of me (or all of me I know about) but part of me wanted to keep my secret, inner selves apart from the fake mask I wear every day to school in attempt to keep my true self hidden. The next thing I knew, I saw this written on my English journal:

---
"Hidden beneath"
Monday, November 15, 2004


I hide behind a mask.
A mask that deceives and misleads
And is the opposite of what I am.
I wear this because I am afraid;
Afraid to trust
Afraid to love
Afraid to show people my pain
My sorrow
My ups and my downs
Afraid to be myself.

I live in fear of rejection.
Inside I am vulnerable and weak,
But my mask suggests that I am not.
Wearing my mask, my armor, I feel safe.
Safe from the possibility
Of getting cut again
From the cruel reality
Of life.

Behind my mask, I hide my scars.
Scars from the days I dared to show myself.
Days that were the darkest of times
And the worst of times
When even optomism was as
Unreachable
As the stars. Yet
Those were the times
When I truely felt that
I was myself.

---

A couple of weeks ago, a Creative Writing assignment that required us to write in a different and more unique writing style. We were told to re-write a famous quote from Julius Caesar by Shakespeare, but to incorporate/replace our own words to the original while keeping a majority of Shakespeare's writing style and come up with a completely different theme.

First, let me show you the original piece:

"Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind.
And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto the leader and gladly so."

"How do I know? For this is what I have done. And I am Caesar."

-Julius Caesar (From the historical play, Julius Caesar, by William Shakespeare)

---

Now here is my tweeked version:

---
"Art of the Enlightenment"

Explore the world of art that inspire the mind and soul in order to motivate the citizenry to acknowledge beauty, for it brings such marvelosity that is indeed an aesthetic joy. It emboldens the spirit, just as it broadens the mind. . .

But when the attacks of controversy have reached the stinging eyes of the conservative, the crowds gather with hate and the mind has closed, the artist will know that he has done well. Eventually, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by cencorship, will realize the art for its beauty for the artist has indeed unveiled their blindfolds and introduced them to the deviant world of colors and the infinite possibilities it brings.

How would I know? For that was my experience. And I was enlightened.

---

Death

Song of the moment: The Best Deceptions by Dashboard Confessional

I just found out today that my ex-nextdoor neighbor died while in combat at Falluja last Sunday night (Click here to read the story). I heard yesterday that someone died at the war from Harbor, but I didn't know it was him. I visited my school's website as I do everyday during Computer Graphics, and I saw his face on the front page. I felt shock and was overwhelmed with the news. He was like a second brother to me... I grew up with him, and he was always teasing and making fun of me like brothers do. He was the first to call me "Mildew" and the first to tell me what April Fool's was about and the first to play a practical joke on me. And now I have found out that he is dead.

It's still unreal. Everything to me right now is unreal. Like my grandmother's current health status back in the Philippines--my aunt called last night and told my mom that Lola (Filipino term for "grandma") was hospitalized. She had diabetes, high-blood pressure (runs in the family), and there was even blood in her urine. I wrote about what I was feeling last night as I layed in bed, thinking about the heart-breaking news:

---
"My thoughts as they are"
Tuesday, November 16, 2004

My tears are made of ice.
As I lay in my bed and think of the precious
memories I have with my Lola, all that
comes to mind are her jubilant and lovable characteristics
that I am proud to have inherited.

Her lively spirit had withered into
a hopeless soul obsessed with the sweet release of death.
She refuses medical help
for she proclaims that only God can stop
the inevitable and that she would rather
carry out her last days on Earth as
natural as possible.

My mother informed me that when she talked with
my Lola, that Lola was in tears. Yet she is too
stubborn to accept further help from the doctors.
Her urine transformed into blood.
Her thoughts completely cynical.
Yet her emotions make her
show her only weakness:
that she is human.

My Lola and I are a lot a like. We both act
tough, strong and extremely independant. Yet
on the inside, we are merely as weak and innocent as
a newborn child. Our insecurities and fear of the outside
world created an outer shell--a mask of pure deception--
that allowed us to survive the cruel world
of reality.
We lived, breathed, and worse--believed the lies
that we use to our advantage.
Lies that mislead us into thinking we belonged.

Neverending secrets lay amongst us that eat us
inside while we bear it with a smile that has people
thinking we're okay. As if we're happily content
with our lives--when often, it is the opposite.

These are my thoughts. Thoughts that have emerged
from my head as I lay in my bed, when my
icy cold tears have subdued and dried
into a thin, white layer of cold crystals.
But I do wonder--why is it that even though
I have said what there is to be said, my feelings
confessed and for anyone to read and judge me as
they like, that I still feel cold and empty to
a point where I feel as if someone has stolen my heart
and I am left, once again, with my icy tears that
are as hollow as my heart?

Why must this cycle be so vicious?

---

I talked to her earlier today, and listened to her converse with my mom about how she was feeling fine and for us to not worry. Stubborn as usual--but I love her for her efforts. She works so hard, asks for nothing in return, loves her family to death (hopefully not soon), and she tries so hard not to let other people worry about her. Even though she's in pain, she still had the strength to ask me how I was. If I was doing okay in school. If I was treating my mother right. Etcetera.

My mom is planning on going to the Philippines next week to see how my Lola really is in person. She was crying when she spoke with my mom last night. Her pain must have been unbearable, because she never cries. She also would have been too conscious to have asked my mom to come home and see her, but she wasn't. She wants her youngest daughter to go see her..... a request that my mother thinks is a premonition for her death. We're all really scared about her fate. Whether or not any of us will ever see her again outside of a coffin.

---

I shed frozen tears of sadness
That seems to eat away at my heart.
My heart is now empty
For it has dried away to
A withered pulp.

My self now--and then

Song of the moment: Fell in Love With a Boy by Joss Stone

I took this quiz from Quizilla. I tried to answer the questions as truthfully as I can, and was quite suprised to see the results.


Your element is Fire: Strong, hot tempered, powerful, and passionate. Well now lets see,being fire you are quite strong and powerful, people look up to you greatly and often seek your protection. You have the ability to gain many friends and you are always one people can count on to do what you say you will do. You are extremely loyal be it friends or family you'll stick up for them and you are never willing to put them in a position that could hurt them. You know what roll you play in life, leader, and you intend to let people know it. Not everyone is capable of leadership but you certainly have the willpower and flare to do it. You have quite a temper if it shows itself, one that can often lead you into trouble. Once your mind is made up there is no changing it but no one said that was a bad thing.


.:-|What is your true element?|-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla


If I were to take this quiz a year ago, I would have gotten this result:



Your element is Rain: Sad, lonely, distant and unique. You are quite distant from emotion and people, but you have been made this way by one thing or another. Your are truly unique yet fail to see it, and are quite creative be it in art, music, writing, etc.. You used to let people in now you don't even bother to try having been hurt so many times in the past. Your attitude is that you don't need anyone but yourself, people are just trouble waiting to happen. But you really do want to trust someone no matter if you see it or not, deep down your waiting for someone to come and set you free. This kind of depression can turn dangerous, don't let them get to you. Not everyone in the world will hurt you, humans are humans and are not perfect. So most likely sooner or later you'll meet someone who feels like you do and perhaps your shell will eventually disappear.


.:-|What is your true element?|-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla

It's amazing how much I've changed in the course of a year. It makes me wonder how much different I'll be a year from now... will I get back to my bad, old habits? Or will I continue this rate of inner self healing?

Computer Graphics is boring

You represent... desire.
You sure are motivated. You have a definite knack
for getting what you want. You always put your
own interests before those of others, and you
almost always find youself being satisfied.
Though you have determination, try some
compassion. Putting others first occassionally
can get you even more satisfying relationships.


What feeling do you represent?
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